FAMILY: A PLACE OF FORGIVENESS ...

There is no perfect family. We do not have perfect parents, we are not perfect, we do not marry a perfect person or have perfect children.

We have complaints from each other. We disappoint each other. So there is no healthy marriage or healthy family without the exercise of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is vital to our emotional health and spiritual survival. Without forgiveness the family becomes an arena of conflict and a stronghold of hurt.

Without forgiveness, the family becomes ill. Forgiveness is the a sepsis of the soul, the cleansing of the mind and the liberation of the heart.

Whoever does not forgive does not have peace in the soul nor communion with God. Hurt is poison that intoxicates and kills. Keeping heartache in the heart is a self-destructive gesture. It's autophagy.

Those who do not forgive are physically, emotionally and spiritually ill.

That is why the family must be a place of life, not of death;
Territory of cure and not of illness;
Stage of forgiveness and not guilt.
Forgiveness brings joy where sorrow has produced sadness;
Healing, where sorrow has caused disease.

- Pope Francis

We had dinner at "On the Border" in Dublin, California today. We were celebrating the Sixty Plus'th birthday of my uncle who is visiting from India with my Aunt and their son. This was their first trip to America. The idea was to ease them into American food. What better food to start than Mexican.  It is spicier and more flavorful than most other American food.  That makes it similar to Indian food. It was a safer bet.

We must have been 80 percent done with the mean when I popped the question. I was not as nervous as I should have been.  Even though I knew that my Aunt is a complainer and among all the 4 siblings my dad has, she is known for being tough to please.   So I asked a safe question: "Which dish did you like the most?"

She had shared a chicken fajita with uncle, shared a chicken enchilada with her son, and I had shared some of my cheese enchilada with her.  We also had chips, salsa and freshly made guacamole.  There had got to be something that she liked.  It was a safe question like, "You won't have tea, will you?"

Then came the dreaded response: "Nothing really" ... along with the famous why-are-you-doing-this-to-me headshake.  We all had a great laugh ... and made several jokes about it. I jokingly laid the blame on mom and dad, and said they ordered the wrong dish for her.  Her son said, it didn't matter what restaurant or dish it was, she would have the same response.

Then we came back home.  Poor thing, my aunt. She said what she said, but then her conscience was hurting her. At home she thanked me for the dinner, and apologized for being rude.  I knew she was feeling bad.  I told her its OK; I told her that I don't even hear negative comments.  I told her about the filter I have developed as a performing musician.  You learn to not hear criticism, however well it means.

We just came back from a thanksgiving camp in Santa Cruz.  It was me, my wife Shilpy and the kids.  I was sort of in a hurry to come back because I had invited Chris to come home to do some practice on this new composition in Raag Asa.  I had a great time practicing about an hour with Chris and Ryan Pais this evening.  Here is a copy of what we sang today:

I have put my two kids in swimming lessons.  They learn in group of 4-5 kids with an instructor.  The instructor generally focuses on one kid at a time.  When it the turn of one of the kids to learn from the instructor, the other kids practice.

During their break, one of my kids keeps practicing what they were taught.  The other one has fun by splashing water on the others.  You can guess that one is progressing in their swimming the other one is not. 

But one cannot blame one of the kids.  Its just how they are built.  One of them wants to learn, the other wants to play.  Guru Nanak says "Some are near, others are far; only the ultimate judge can pass a judgement."

One who learns and practices with an open heart, sings sweeter.

[The following is a true story from this week]

I am so relieved he is watching TV now.  I know I don't sound like a good parent saying that, but right now I am liking this moment.  I am somewhat tickled that Mahatma Gandhi can make a difference in our lives. Only minutes ago, he was howling at the top of his lungs:  "It was the worst day of my life!"

When he came back from school, I heard him. It was as if a satellite had fallen upon unawares. Quickly descending the flight of stairs I reached him standing between the powder room and the front door. All the people that loved him surrounded him ... me, his grandparents, his sister, and his nanny.  All concerned. Looking at him.

"What happened, Gobind." 

"They were all laughing. I don't want to talk about it."  More crying followed.

"But what did you say that made them laugh. They probably liked it; that's why they laughed"

"No they were laughing at me. It's too embarrasing" And then the sobs continued.

Without wasting any more time, I dragged him upstairs.  I thought he would talk more if it was just me and him.  Locking the door behind me even as his sister banged on it for some time.  "Jania, I just need to talk to him alone." I told her.  She was quiet soon.

I read him the poem I used to love growing up. 

"When I was at the party,"
Said Betty, aged just four,
"A little girl fell off her chair
Right down upon the floor;
And all the other little girls
Began to laugh, but me---
I didn't laugh a single bit,"
Said Betty seriously.

"Why not?" her Mother asked her,
Full of delight to find
That Betty---bless her little heart!---
Had been so sweetly kind.
"Why didn't you laugh, my darling?
Or don't you like to tell?"
"I didn't laugh," said Betty,
"Cause it was me who fell."

Then I remembered.  He probably had his speech today.  He had been talking about this speech he had to make to qualify as a "Class representative."

"Is this about your speech?"

He looked up with moist eyes, "Yes."

And then he burst out. "I was speaking and everyone started laughing. And I didn't finish my speech. I took my name off the list. I am never making a speech ever again."

"But what did you say that was so funny?"

"It was not funny. I said I will take all the blame for you guys. I will always be there when you need me. And then they started laughing."

I thought about it. He basically made an emotional speech, and 8 year olds found that quite funny. Especially coming from him, who is normally very jovial. I told him that I was proud of what said. That would have been enough because he started to smile. But I thought I needed a one-two punch. So I shared with him what I have learned from Gandhi, that I remind myself when I am alone despite being right:

"Gobind, if Gandhi had stopped because he feared people laughing at him, we would not be Mahatma, he would not be a great soul. He used to say, 'They ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight. Then you win'."

He thought about it for a moment and said, "People laughed at Gandhi too!" He said he would stand for election again next year.

Mahatma's truth indeed lives on despite dying moments of despair. We shared a fleeting smile. And intending to pounce on this loving moment he asked, "Can I watch TV now?"


[End]

This week's Indie Ink Challenge came from Billy Flynn, who gave me this prompt: "In time we hate that which we fear - William Shakespear". I challenged Liz Culver with the prompt "The rose that grew from a crack in the concrete".

Q: Who are you?
Ans: My name is Jania.

Q: Where are you sitting?
Ans: I came back from school and I am sitting in Papa's office right now.

Q: What are you doing?
Ans: We are having what we call "Papa fun."  Today we decided to write a story about what happened at school.

Q: What did you learn in school?
Ans: Today I learned to write inside the lines. And then I interviewed two friends.

Q: Why did you interview friends?
Ans: I needed to know what to draw.  We got this picture and we had to color.  The first one was Summer. The second one was "Krishy"

Q: What is Krishy???
Ans: He is one of the kindergartners.  Sometimes I play with him at recess.

Q: Who else do you play with at recess?
Mikayla.  She is not in my class, but she used to be in my pre-school.

Q: What else do you want to write about?
Today I saw some small T-shirts at school. They were decorated very nicely. You should have come to my class.